Let’s get real for a minute: If you’re obsessed with working out chances are you were fat at least ONCE in your life.
I don’t mean fatty-chubby-onetoomanyslicesfat I mean FAT-FAT.
Like, If you were a fat girl you had to throw away shorts or pants. If you were a fat dude, you were gross 24/7.
If you were a fat person once, chances are you were offended the first time I called you fat, although I didn’t, I merely pointed out the obvious. Still, don’t leave just yet, this is important.
I haven’t really done major exercise since I was 14, my priorities have always changed but gym time has always been way down in the bottom of the pit, see I’ve been a skinny dude for most of my life, I didn’t eat well, I was always getting taller and frankly I’m lazy.
What I’m getting at is this: I now feel the genuine desire to workout, get ripped, heck, maybe do some shirtless selfies.
But here’s the problem: I’M NOT DOING IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
I feel fat.
For the first time in years and I mean good-long-23-years. I can feel it, the greasy piece of fat crawling under my beautiful young skin.
This is all your fault. Not you, I mean YOU, yes, that’s right: You.
You who once had the body of a small manatee, you were a fat girl/guy once and now you’re smoking hot thanks to a gazillion hours spent in the gym. You’ve made me feel fat.
I was fucking nice to you. In highschool everyone made fun of your fat-ass and I stood by your side and now you bite the hand that feeds.
YEAH. I FED YOU.
I get it. You’re working out, spandex tight short-shorts and superhero tight tanks tops fit you. You never had the chance to do that befofe because you were embarrassed by your body. Ladi-fucking-da that’s nice, I just want to be able to do what you do without feeling judged. Like you once were.
Stop pea-cocking and making me feel like shit. I’m happy for you too, just cool it with the abs selfies, crossfit videos and diet tips on twitter.
Stop posting up all that “record-time pullups” bullshit on Instagram, it’s just demoralising and without you knowing it: mean.
I’m not Jabba The Hutt, neither are peeps who don’t have the time, money or fucking skills to workout.
I’ll try and exercise too this week and text you about it, you can give me some pointers. Dick.